Should You Download The Rock Clock?

kitrona:

cosmictuesdays:

leupagus:

ofgeography:

ofgeography:

hello friends, it’s me, you’re old pal molls ofgeo. i know a lot of you have heard about “the rock clock,” and wondered, “is it for me?” well, no fear!! i am here to answer all your questions to help you decide.

what is “the rock clock”?
you know that tumblr post that’s like “imagine a world where everything is the same except dwayne the rock johnson is an unquestioned part of your friend group”? the rock clock is that world. in the rock clock world, you live with dwayne the rock johnson, and every morning it is his job to wake you up before he heads off to the gym to Be Excellent. your roommate, DTRJ, also wants you to Be Excellent, but he knows it’s a little harder for you than for him, since he bench presses Excellence 50 times before breakfast while you’re still army-crawling toward the kitchen for coffee. to help you along, DTRJ sings you a little song he wrote himself about how you’re gonna kick today’s butt. while you slowly put on your human form, free-climbing from blissful sleep into the hellish reality of having to Get Up and Pay Bills and Vacuum Your House and Contribute To Society, DTRJ talks to you about how you’re gonna kill it today and he’s also gonna kill it, but with a lime green water bottle.

i’m a deep sleeper. will “the rock clock” really wake me up?
i personally believe–and i think that science will back me up on this, once a few years have passed and we start to get some literature on the matter–that the rock clock could be used to wake king arthur in avalon. had rip van winkle had access to the rock clock, he would have used those 20 years for kickin’ butt, not snoozing. snow white definitely wouldn’t have had to wait for some rando on horseback. poisoned apples?? lmao the rock clock doesn’t care WHAT you were drinking last night, snow white, you messy ish. it’s a new day!!! the best way to deal with a hangover is to face it head on!!! let’s go get smoothies!!!

so… it’s just an alarm clock?
just? “”“just”””?????? ok, wow, clearly you weren’t reading that whole masterpiece about Your New Roommate Dwayne The Rock Johnson, pal. you have the opportunity to wake up to THE ROCK telling you that you are SUNSHINE!!! and to GET AFTER IT!!! what is “it”?? who knows. the world. your life. that bus. a dog that got off its leash. 

the rock clock also allows you to set a goal that dwayne the rock johnson will help you accomplish by helping you get out of bed. for example, my goal is to finally finish the gd book outline i’ve been looking at and not touching for nigh on a year, and also, to run a half marathon. you know what dwayne the rock johnson said to me this morning to help me accomplish that? he said, “get out of bed. i’m driving a pick-up truck.” AND HE WAS RIGHT!! 

does dwayne “the rock” johnson really care about me and my goals?
of course he does. look at him:

lookit that dog!!! you and i are the dog, and the rock is the rock. he’s gonna carry us as far as he can and then we’re gonna have to toddle along on our own.

are you being paid to talk this much about the rock clock?
the rock clock is free, and also, how dare you. i’d never accept money to endorse things.*

is this post a joke?
no. i genuinely fucking love the rock clock. 

*yes i would, call me immediately apple.com

“what’s your favorite feature of the rock clock?” 

well, i’ll tell you. BESIDES the short video that comes directly from DTRJ’s mouth to my eyeballs every morning, the incredible selection of RINGTONES is a real boon for this app. for example:

• in “good morning sunshine,” DTRJ calls me both, “sunshine,” and also, a “candy ass.”
• in “battle cat,” cats wage war on one another, rhythmically. 
  
• in “classic alarm,” DTRJ says, “beep beep!!” at me repeatedly with increasing intensity. “i can do this all morning,” says DTRJ, exactly like my mother used to when i refused to get up and face being in the 6th grade.
• in “harpsmash,” DTRJ and i listen to pleasant harp music until DTRJ gets sick of it and smashes the harp. 
• in “iron paradise,” DTRJ remixed some kind of electropop gym jam, my personal favorite musical genre. a “gym jam,” is a “jam,” recorded in a “gym.” in this one, DTRJ reminds me that, “YOU GOT THIS,” as i lift my eyelids the way he lifts 400lbs barbells. 
• in “ring ring,” DTRJ repeats, “ring ring,” over and over again until i pick up the phone.
• in “let’s ride,” DTRJ does that vroom-vroom thing on his motorbike until i hop on the back. where are we going??? i don’t know, but i’m onboard. let me just change out of my jimjams, dwayne.

Guys you need to LISTEN TO ME HERE. Because I am about to preach to you about the Truth And Way of the Rock Clock.

First off, any of y’all who know me personally (and most of you who don’t, probably) understand the fundamental truth that I am a lazy asshole. If someone calls or texts me and doesn’t reach me, 90% of the time it was because my phone was in my pocket and I was too comfy to move to get it out. I will drive to the grocery store, which is literally a block away. I still have a half-dozen boxes of shit I haven’t unpacked since moving here a year and a half ago. So getting up at any reasonable time for me is the equivalent of scaling Mt. Kilimanjaro for other people. It’s difficult, is what I’m saying.

So I downloaded this like a week ago thinking “haha oh Dwayne you’re adorable” and didn’t use it, but I read this… magnum opus, frankly, by mollyhall and I was like, all right, how bad can this be? And I even set my alarm to Rock Time because as much as I know I’m not The Rock, we are men of action and lies do not become us: we all want to be The Rock.

Let me TELL YOU. I woke up to The Rock saying “let’s do this” like him and me are about to go rob a bank or maybe save the President (perhaps both, it’s FIVE O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING, DWAYNE, JESUS CHRIST), followed by a very difficult-ignore-siren under a pretty solid orchestral action score. I flailed at my phone and there was a little button:

AND THERE WAS A VIDEO MESSAGE FROM THE ROCK, apparently he normally films them every morning but this one he filmed last night, he informed me (yes it was a message to me, personally) because he had an all-night shoot and so he wanted me (ME PERSONALLY) to remember him being awake all night when I woke up this morning. Then he got flustered because he couldn’t figure out how to wrap up the message so he sang a little song.

Reader, I married him.

Actually no, reader, I did something even more amazing: I got up OUT OF MY VERY COMFY BED and put on my running gear and RAN THREE MILES. AT FIVE IN THE MORNING.

The Rock Clock is a magical creation for the betterment of all mankind; to use it is to become – well, you can’t become The Rock. But you might be able to scale Mt. Kilimanjaro. Or get up on time.

This is the first thing I’ve ever seen that seriously makes me want an iPhone.

Don’t bother with an iPhone, it’s on Android too. https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.projectrockofficial.rockclock&hl=en